After all my many questions, I have come to some resolutions. Someone asked me to imagine going through a day confident and not worrying about my weight - gaining or losing. And I thought I don’t know if I can do that. It seems too much like the way I lived when I was in denial. I don’t know if I can forget about my weight just one day. I know the difference between now and then would be I am making healthy choices and exercising vs eating without thought and not exercising. I wonder if I can just make good choices and exercise regularly and not obsess about my weight one way or the other. I don’t know if I can do that, but that’s how I would like to live. My weight has always been an issue whether real or imagined for me and my family. Now that I not longer let my family determine how I feel about my body and I really feel good about myself, it maybe time to just enjoy without the pressure of trying to lose.

Before the New Year I wanted to have a clear understanding of what I want out of my weight loss journey. I've always said this is my personal journey - one I can't let become about anyone other than me. I can change my mind any time I want. It's my prerogative as a woman. I think that's how the saying goes. What I should probably say is that I am free to re-evaluate my goals at any time. So for now I have decided to get back to at least 190 and then try the maintenance phase for awhile. I'm going to see if I can't live without stressing over weight losing or gaining. The exercise is going to be the key for me.

Since my first step is to get back to 190, I decided to start a new round and give it an honest - this is a new year new chance start. That was last week and I am here to report in. I am also going to try to get back to posting here once a week. It really helps with my focus. I am going to need that more than anything when I start my maintenance phase. I had a good week. The weekend was a bit off, but I didn’t let it throw me. Exercise 5 out of 7 days with activity everday. I have decided not to count my dance ministry practice as exercise. Now I am ready to see if I can do better this week.

I could not bring myself to actually type my weight last week, but I did weigh in (that's something I haven't let go of and I bought a new scale). Let’s just say I am down 9 pounds this week and I still 11 pounds from Onederland. It's amazing how I can gain from no exercise. Many people over the holidays were complaining about the weight they gained from all the food they ate. I didn't eat all that food and yet I still gained from basically no exercise after the first week of December. I have ZERO metabolism. I really think it's unfair, but who said life was fair? We deal with the hand we are dealt. Oh my! That reminds me of the women's conference.  

I did this exercise with one of my message boards and thought I would post these here. I only listed the ones that are weight loss related.

Some things I learned in 2006......

• I have learned to enjoy my achievements without beating myself up over my failures.
• I’m never too old to learn and I can learn from anyone of any age.
• Bingeing/overeating on nuts is just as bad as any sugar filled food. Overeating is overeating.
• It’s okay to talk to myself and even answer when the situation calls for such action. Being honest with myself is the only way to make it.
• I can’t control every situation, but I can always control how I react to the situation.
• Coming from parents who are addicts, I used to pride myself on not every using drugs or abusing alcohol until I realized that how much I abused food in my lifetime.
• I like doing things for others, but I won’t let people take advantage of me.
• Something that I knew, but have tested these past few months - my body needs exercise to lose and maintain. I can not slack on the exercise.
• I can’t make a decision based upon how others will view me – too many people with too many views.
• I have also learned I cannot afford to beat myself up for someone else's inadequacies. Those are on them...not me.
• I've even learned that I can’t beat myself up for my own inadequacies. I either accept them or work on them, but beating myself up over them gets me nowhere.